I did not know the world of Christians could be so unloving and clique acting. I have been in war with myself for way too many years and I just feel so confused and really utterly frustrated. Whenever I go to church, they begin talking what books do you read, oh no! Harry Potter you must be some satanist. What? you believe in women minsters, you feminist go to hell! My views are very different from many, I believe in gun control, protecting the enviornment, and women's rights and that women can be pastors. They are people in Christ too. Yet I am shot down and literally verbally beaten for even expressing such views. Maybe I should just close my mouth and conform and just change my views to win favor of the people. But yet it feels so selfish, I'm not doing for God, but to win the favor of the peers. I think it is sick how some Christians force their views down your throat and then just literally hog you, treating you less than a human being. I wish I was able to just smile sometimes, and have fun like all the other people around me, I feel though I am in a glass sphere and to join in the fun I must give up my soul and what makes me humans, or put on a disguise and just pretend to be happy. There are times when I rather lock myself in my room and just never come out. So I would not be so confused and at conflict with myself and the world. Where I could be accepted for who I am. I try so hard for perfection yet fail. I feel like a ghost walking about the halls of church. I sit down, no one notices me. What is wrong with me? Is there something so horrible about me that people can sense that makes them run in fear. I do not even know why I am writing this post. I must sound like the most whiniest person in the world. Yes maybe I should just be quiet and continue on pretending to be happy. When I am a sad wreck inside. That is waiting to burst. My tears imbue my view, yet I wipe them away. No man should cry, I must be strong! Feeling sad is a sin, everything is a sin! Who I am is a sin! God, I cry out for help, yet you continue to remain silent. As I slowly disslove into the black.
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