The Wolves of Midwinter

Thursday, December 06, 2007

I did not know the world of Christians could be so unloving and clique acting. I have been in war with myself for way too many years and I just feel so confused and really utterly frustrated. Whenever I go to church, they begin talking what books do you read, oh no! Harry Potter you must be some satanist. What? you believe in women minsters, you feminist go to hell!
My views are very different from many, I believe in gun control, protecting the enviornment, and women's rights and that women can be pastors. They are people in Christ too. Yet I am shot down and literally verbally beaten for even expressing such views.
Maybe I should just close my mouth and conform and just change my views to win favor of the people. But yet it feels so selfish, I'm not doing for God, but to win the favor of the peers. I think it is sick how some Christians force their views down your throat and then just literally hog you, treating you less than a human being.
I wish I was able to just smile sometimes, and have fun like all the other people around me, I feel though I am in a glass sphere and to join in the fun I must give up my soul and what makes me humans, or put on a disguise and just pretend to be happy.
There are times when I rather lock myself in my room and just never come out. So I would not be so confused and at conflict with myself and the world. Where I could be accepted for who I am. I try so hard for perfection yet fail. I feel like a ghost walking about the halls of church. I sit down, no one notices me. What is wrong with me? Is there something so horrible about me that people can sense that makes them run in fear.
I do not even know why I am writing this post. I must sound like the most whiniest person in the world. Yes maybe I should just be quiet and continue on pretending to be happy. When I am a sad wreck inside. That is waiting to burst.
My tears imbue my view, yet I wipe them away. No man should cry, I must be strong! Feeling sad is a sin, everything is a sin! Who I am is a sin! God, I cry out for help, yet you continue to remain silent. As I slowly disslove into the black.

3 comments:

Shane said...

Cliques seem to be a real problem in churches these days. (American ones at least.) Our church has a bit of reputation for being a very welcoming, loving, church, but I won't deny that there are cliques even there. And I know some people feel it.

Harry Potter, I like them, but I've been a bit torn since one of Rowling's more recent announcements concerning a former headmaster. However, I will say that the books in and of themselves really do have a great number of excellent moral lessons and even a few Biblical ideas in places. There are a few other Potter fans at our church, it's not as big an issue there except for very sporadically.

Finding a different church is probably not an option? If a church doesn't have love I really see little point in hanging around. (And please take that advice with a grain of salt...)

The important thing is how are you and God agreeing? People really don't matter quite near as much as that relationship. If you are called to hold a "radical" view on something then so be it.

I understand your frustration. A lot of times I do pretend to be happy because it's much easier then dealing with probing questions and sometimes sharp, unneeded, criticisms, that you receive if you reveal your true emotions.

In the end, it is only your actions that matter, I know this is very difficult and hard advice to follow, impossible even, but you, and I are called, by God, to love others. Even if they're jerks. And lets face it, the world and the church are full of jerks. A lot of people in churches are either too shy or busy to reach out to those around them, and our culture is a very "Mind your own business." one so that might explain why you get ignored so much. That happens a lot in a ton of churches.

Sorry for getting a bit preachy.

Justin B. said...

That was not preachy at all, actually I thought that was a great post! Thanks for the comment!

Mark Goodyear said...

Great post. I'm glad you shared because it is an encouragement to others who feel like you do. You wondered, "Maybe I should just close my mouth and conform and just change my views to win favor of the people."

No, no, no, no! I mean, we can't all carry around bull horns broadcasting our critiques of the church. If we do, we should expect to be treated like the prophets were. Like Jesus himself was. (Criticized and crucified primarily by the religious authority, remember?)

I struggle with these issues too. I go to a Southern Baptist church because I love the people. But darn it, the Bible doesn't tell us to be Republicans. Or capitalists. And especially not conformists.